To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
Dear America?
As a Brit I have seen this too many times now and it usually has the same effect on Americans, It is a joke which they can not see the funny side of, then again their humour is not very advanced which is why they always love our special brand of comedy and then try to do a disastrous re-make of it which usually goes **** up very quickly, you see Americans lack or simply do not have the same quality of character or just don't have any at all, when money is the obsession of most in the US it is not surprising, even when they try to be funny it just doesn't come off right somehow, besides the fact their TV is so censored that every slight indiscretion is dubbed out, but extreme violence is completely okay.
America is a strange odd country to say the least, still very isolated and ignorant as you can see from the answer that Ragnar gave, like most Americans back in 1940 while the Brits stood alone fighting for their lives to save the free world, America looked the other way and he is still thinking the war would have never come to him had we given in to the Germans, that is before the Japs attacked Pearl Harbour and then Germany declared war on America, what a complete P***k ( thought I had better dub that one a bit for our very sensitive bible bashing gun toting American audience) So as you can see along with their poor sense of humour thay have a poor sense of history and the truth to go with it!!!
Reply:lol Funny. I remember seeing this awhile back.
Reply:Clever.
Reply:You so funny. Tony could come here and be a great president, but first he has to clunk Hilary and Obama's heads together.
Reply:This is many years old but i havent seen it in a while so still funny.
Reply:Hmmmm.... how come it took you seven years to find that letter?
I must have received ten copies of it back when the Sore/Loserman campaign was fighting the election results.
Richard
Reply:Very good surmisal of what could be.
You merit an award for such good text. Well done!
Edit:
Sorry, having read Chris_p2's response, this appears not to be an original text. On those grounds, I withdraw my above comments.
Always good to make efforts to be original.
Reply:As effed up as the current government is here, we still wouldn't want to trade up and be stuck with that inbred bunch of pervs and nitwits you lot call a "royal family."
Reply:Yeah . . . right. Did you use all 1000 words?
Reply:You wouldn't last 30 minutes if you approached our shores. You should thank god you are our closest ally.
EDIT: The Queens English is only spoken here by San Francisco queens.
Reply:What?????
At first I thought you might be for real, then I gave up reading.
Reply:Same attitude you had 230 years ago.
About the guns. . . .
. . .come and get them.
Reply:How 'bout you come to Brooklyn and we'll show you some nice American hospitality for all your admirable efforts...*cracks knuckles*
or do you not know where Brooklyn is? Shame on you, person who happens to be a member of the 100th percentile of idiots who live in the UK!
Either way I would NOT recommend Tony Blair for president or prime minister or whatever because he is the man who told U.S. that Saddam has WMD's. Hello? The GREAT UK is what fueled the Iraq War and then soon after condemned it. Sounds like a bunch of liberals to me. Flippity flop all over the place.
*sigh* I did enjoy the American beer joke. Although it is not your original writing....
and #15 is pretty witty, along with #9 and #4
Reply:Dear Mr. Cleese,
You obviously have not looked at your position in the world lately. Your country of the 1940's and prior days have gone. You are in fact a country of big, fat, ugly, Pakistani run, badly dressed, unwashed, terrible teeth, rotten boxers,but still trying to tell people what to do. It wont work Cleese. The fact is you're a little island in the middle of the North Sea which nobody recognizes anymore.
Remember the 1940's when we saved your necks. You stated then that Americans were oversexed,overpaid, and over here. Our reply was Brits were undersexed,underpaid, and under Eisenhower. Well, the same philosophy still stands.
Reply:I'm american and i got the "humour"... I thought it was hilarious... number 15 that drives me crazy too....
don't agree with the fourth of july one though.. i like any holiday that gives you the right to blow up ****
Reply:ZZZZZzzzzzzz...................
Reply:a little too much cocaine with your coffee
Reply:John Cleese's diatribe has been around for quite a number of years now, %26amp; has been upsetting a good few people over that time. There are a few things wrong with his arguments though:-
Aluminium was discovered by an English metallurgist. He called it: ALUMINUM %26amp; ALUMIN. It's present British spelling came later, from another scientist.
Spelling has changed regularly on both sides of the Atlantic. IZE as a suffix is correct in both forms of English. ISE is an affectation started in the UK in the 1950's that is now accepted as correct.
'Like' %26amp; 'You know' are used by lots of British English speakers, probably as much as by US speakers - innit?
The original form of football is still played regularly in a town in Staffordshire. It involves holding the ball %26amp; running with it. The running aspect is where it got the term 'football' from. Canadian, US %26amp; Aussie Rules Football and Rugby are the nearest versions we have to the original game.
Controls on guns? We have the most stringent gun controls in Europe in the UK, but shoootings are on the increase, along with the use of knives.
'Chips' were invented in 1909 by a Belgian chef working in a French restaurant in New York. He had been bet a substantial amount that he couldn't invent a new dish in 24 hours. He won his bet. 'Fries' is the correct term for them.
'Petrol' and 'Goasoline' are early 20th century brand names. The correct term is PETROLEUM SPIRIT.
Reply:Y'all full of beans y'all talking out of your back side because your mouth knows better.What y'all think of us don't mean 'jack' to us And it isn't the killing of JFK that is driving you crazy You've been off your rockers for years We don't speck english we speck American as does the rest of this world
Reply:God your an Idiot. The UK wouldn't even exist without the United States intervention. Can you imagine German with an British accent. Don't forget to thank the U.S. for saving your ***.
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