Letter to all our friends in the USA?

To the citizens of the United States of America:-


In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus


to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your


independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.


Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then


look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at


just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be


reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter


'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to


spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.


You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix


”burgh” is pronounced “burra”, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell


Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.


Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up


"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler


noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient


form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more


'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with


bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.


2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on


your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account


of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It


really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).


You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..


4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the


good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English


characters.


British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"


will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience


who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",


but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get


confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of


football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.


The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders


may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no


longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.


Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult


game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby


(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for


a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like


nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by


2005.


You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.


You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new


national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".


All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your


own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start


driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go


metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.


Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of


humour.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries


are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though


97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are


not aware of a country called Belgium.


Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all


tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be


doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually


beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will


be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted


provenance will be referred to as "Lager".


The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be


referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the


product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as


manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold


without risk of confusion.





From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you


will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the


former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and


the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US


gallon - get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers


or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows


that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled


by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing


someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to


handle a gun.


15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.





Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to


ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).





Thank you for your cooperation.

Letter to all our friends in the USA?
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS! For all those you couldn't be bothered to read the whole lot, you missed out on the wittiest Question in Q%26amp;A ever!





Thank you for making me laugh so much. Absolutely great! You need to have this published! You're wasted on here! In fact I'm going to copy it and email it to my friends - help them all "have a nice day".
Reply:how long did it take for u 2 write this essay
Reply:Everything you say is true, but if it wasnt coming from someone with a country known for crooked green teeth it might mean more.
Reply:Am I missing something? I thought the US and the UK were allies. What's with all the animosity? All this crap about teeth and laughing about our soldiers. This is not cool.
Reply:Thanks for giving me a laugh before bedtime. I expect our friends across the pond will think otherwise!
Reply:I'll stop seeing my dentist and start boiling my food immediately...
Reply:There, I told you all Prince William was a Q and A user. Is that you Wills?
Reply:Well... First I want to say that Brits are not only known for green teeth, but also BIG FEET.





Other than that, I have nothing against the Brits, but in defense for my Dear US of A, I have to say that if I were you... I would BEWARE of trying to take guns away from Americans. It is IMPOSSIBLE. And BECAUSE we DO have guns, we are more of an ARMY than are even in-listed in the US Army. I DARE anyone to try to take over or enforce this nonsense. You are entitled to your culture and your funky weird accents, but let us have OUR culture. The reason we are HERE is because we didn't like it THERE. We will change your grammar and spelling if we so choose. And yes, there is American English. In my opinion, even more of it should be changed than what already has been. So much of it is STUPID. ENGLISH for a language is stupid and confusing. Anyone trying to learn English as a second language has a hard time because of all the weird quirky things about it. We might not necessarily know that much about the rest of the world, but if you think of it according to sizes and regions, we actually know as much as you Brits. The United States alone is HUGE compared to the United Kingdom. Knowing about all of Europe is comparable to us knowing about the entire USA. So get over yourself. WE RULE THE WORLD! (Hey, you started it......)
Reply:Very funny - now I hope you have somewhere really good to hide.!
Reply:I am hereby leaving my signature on a copy of this memo, (stating that I have received and comply with these terms). You are truly funny and should have your own show. Although, %26lt;~~~~(it will be hard to start saying that word with the "U"), I think with the cost of gas being $6.00 nobody will afford cable anymore, thus rendering us unable to watch your show. But, Good Luck!


Long live the Queen.





P.S. I agree with you 97.85%
Reply:we defeated you once and we can again, lol.
Reply:You won't mind if I pour petrol all over your revocation and set it on fire?





On the other hand, I like the sensible shoes, teatime, month long holidays and dogs ..
Reply:Get a life and it's called diversity.


By the way i know your jealous.
Reply:it's just like you damn socialists, trying to IMPOSE a ruler on us.
Reply:A bit harsh! I like Americans, to be honest.


But, there you are, perhaps they will appreciate you sense of humour.


I do believe Devonshire (as in Devonshire cream?) is ok. Good luck!
Reply:Is it true the Americans have never won any war the British weren't involved in? Even the War of Independence :o)





Oh I'm forgetting - There was the Civil War, of course.
Reply:Oh.





Too much work. I guess we'll have to have another war with England. Did it before, can do it again.





Too bad, tho. Tony Blair is kinda cute.
Reply:Did anyone else actually read that ****. If so...cliffsnotes please...
Reply:Far too long to read. sorry
Reply:oh good now we can handle situations with courtesy and politely ask for another after being anal raped.
Reply:BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:I've often wondered about this; England is certainly America %26amp; Canada's "Mother Country", so we are perhaps more bonded to Great Britain than we realize. I think America; The United States was probably the most rebellious of England's Children (so-to-speak). However, I truly believe that "We The People" would prefer to remain "free"; governing ourselves. We are not perfect, and we don't get it right all of the time by any means. Still- there are millions of people who want to come here to America, and even risk their lives to do so. Just think about it anyway. Thanks for this question (entry)- It is, as they say; "food-for-thought".
Reply:Of course it's a leg pull. But you yanks didn't beat us, it was your friends the French sticking their oar in that done it.
Reply:We kept the Germans out of your backyard. Go eat a lime - your teeth are looking wonky.
Reply:is this *bleep* for realz?? 0_0 the only thing that's still in my head is the GAS PRICES!! Oh My *Bleep* GOD!! im fleeing this country!!
Reply:This is great, thank you!





And, along similar lines...





http://www.coolcanuckaward.ca/joe_canadi...
Reply:Oh my god how funny...and Brave of you. Think I love you xxxxxxxxxx
Reply:Totally Hilarious! Hat's off to you!
Reply:HA! - I laughed all the way through that one!


Thanks for giving me a "chuckle for the day!"


You are a very astute observer of the current state of "affairs!"





Yes, "the children" have strayed far from the values of "the motherland!" (a little for the better - and a little for the worse!)


We could probably do with a large dose of that "British sensibility!" (?) I have a great admiration for MOST things British! - God Save The Queen! If it wasn't for "yous guys" - we wouldn't be here! I would say that "we are doing the best we can"... but lately, there are days that I wonder about that!!! But we "march on!" - God Bless America! - I love my country!





Cheerio! "Old Chap!" -- Again, I thank you for giving me a chuckle! Glad to see that the "British humour" is alive and well!





"The children" have been put "on notice !!!!!" :-)


We will do everything we can to "get our act together!" Ta!
Reply:Blah, Blah, Blah, you sound like a self-righteous windbag........